Being Proud And Owning Who You Are
Oh yes, this is a long post and somewhat emotional so you'll need a cup of tea and some time to read through it so hang in there. :) I'm hoping that by pouring out my heart that you'll be encouraged somehow. And since I'm feeling a bit better (my cold is almost gone), I also feel chatty. I have a lot of work ahead of me between Monday and the end of July so this weekend I plan to be lazy and spend a lot of time in the sunshine since I have to get my energy up -- I'm going on a book tour this summer! My next stop is Amsterdam on June 25 (info here) and then I'll be back in London this summer and then over to my beautiful home country, the USA baby! I can't wait to go home for a few weeks -- I'll definitely be in New York, Boston, Los Angeles and San Francisco but the other 3-4 cities are yet to be confirmed. I love living in Europe but there's no place like home and of course, shopping in the states is divine (and so cheap compared to prices here). I will get to see my family and friends, so I'm thrilled. I've not been over since last summer so I'm ready!
How about you though, are you doing good? How was your week? You know, I was ill but also just exhausted. I have been working so much since the beginning of 2009 into 2010 and never really took time out to even get SICK never mind to rest. I'm not at all burnt out, I still have a lot of motivation and energy, but I definitely needed the pause that having a cold gave me - and an excuse to do nothing for 3 days. I loved doing nothing in particular but watching films and playing games on my iPhone in bed. I left the house once, yesterday, to go to the farmers' market where I found the beautiful lilacs that you see above. Having fresh flowers around when you are down feels so cozy somehow, don't you think?
Which brings me to thinking that when you're sick you somehow need flowers around. They are a requirement. Chicken soup, water, tea, vitamins, cozy pajamas, a soft pillow and flowers. I remember falling once when I was a kid while rollerskating in the street and I broke my leg which kept me in bed for three months straight. It was such a hard time for a bouncy young girl like me! I hated being bedridden for so long. I remember though that my father sent me flowers several times when he left for work and each time my eyes were glued to the arrangement there on my bedside table because they made me feel so special, so loved, and being that I didn't have a close relationship with him I held on to all of the attention from daddy that I could get. In fact, any small dose felt like a huge showering of affection and I took it, appreciated every drop, and I kept everything my father gave me until they had absolutely nothing left of them -- including flower arrangements.
To this day, when I am sick, either I'll buy myself flowers or my husband will pick them up for me and I associate them with feeling special, receiving love, and though physically I may be ill and flowers can't help change that, they do lift me emotionally because I have such fond memories associated with bouquets of them growing up. Either my father would give them to me or my mother, I'd pick them on my grandparents' farm, I'd watch my mother (a trained florist) arrange them for hours, or I'd help her landscape the yard (her passion).
I think that as I get older and more sure of myself that I feel at ease visiting my childhood and extracting the positive things so that my memories are layered, because when I was younger I often saw only the bad parts of growing up and I ignored the good. What about you, do you think about this at times? When you get to be of parenting age and think about how your own parents were your age once, and how you thought 30 or 35 was SOOOO OLLLLDDDD back then, you get a bit of a wake up call that they really were young and inexperienced just as you are today -- don't you think?
I remember my father coming home when I was a toddler and how I would jump up and down trying to leap over the child gate dividing my bedroom from the living room - seeing him excited me so much. I remember him standing there in his bright yellow hard hat with a big smile, coming towards me to lift me up and over the gate for a hug. He'd always look down at me there in my diaper say, "Let me see that Holly smile!" and I'd grin wide and big, exposing the huge gap between my front teeth that, combined with my chipmunk cheeks and massive dimples, was quite sweet though became the source of painful teasing once in school. When I would smile, he would smile and that is how I learned from an early age that being happy made me happy but also made others around me feel joy. I've not stopped smiling since. Now when I consider how old he was then, 29, I can't believe it. He was so old and wise to me back then, my tall (6'3"), slim, handsome papa was so "perfect" and could do no wrong but he was a mere 29-years-old! Hello, right?!
If you'll notice on my blog today, I'm talking a lot about my childhood. It mostly has to do with some diaries I came across on Tuesday that I'd long forgotten and hadn't read for over twenty years. In one, I spoke of how I want to someday live in a city, travel around Europe, be a writer and have a book that becomes a best seller. I was 10-years-old. This completely flipped me out because two days after reading that entry, an entry I don't even recall writing, my book became a Wall Street Journal bestseller (#2!). Also in the journal I saw all of the little floor plans that I remembered drawing as a little kid but didn't realize I also had them in my diary. I read through years of my own history and it made me really love that once little girl who wrote them with her "big dreams" even more. I also felt the diaries that I kept in my teens and twenties. Whoa. What was that all about?!
Afterwards I felt this shift inside, a reconnection to my self in a sense, and I've been thinking about my entire life from the beginning until now and for the first time I really feel like I can be proud of myself. It's hard to admit this publicly, I know so many people expect me to be "perfect" but no one is perfect and if you think they are then you are right - they are perfect in some way -- they are perfect in putting on a grand show of what they want you to believe about them. Deep inside we all have our hang ups, don't we? Do you know anyone who doesn't? But I finally, for the first time in my entire life, feel absolutely 100% proud of myself, the life I've created, the ways in which I've changed or adapted throughout the years to become more true to self, and I am absolutely proud of ME.
I wonder if you are proud of yourself? I mean, truly proud?
I now wonder what is next. I've been waiting my entire life to feel this good about myself. I've been waiting to wake up one day and look in the mirror and say, "Holly, you have so much to be proud of, you really did it girl!". And that day was yesterday. I finally said it, I meant it, I owned it and I didn't even get emotional or apologize for it. I really, truly owned the moment. I've always been so hard on myself and though that drove me to do better work, it also drove me into moments when I simply felt no peace inside of myself until I accomplished this or that goal. I am feeling peace inside now and with this peace, I want to continue on my way as a blogger, friend, wife, daughter and maybe now I'm even ready to be a mother. I've been so worried about becoming one until yesterday. I think I needed to get to that place emotionally before I could imagine guiding and directing a young life.
I know, heavy stuff for a decorating blog. But you are my friends and I cherish how I have your friendship and how so many of you relate similar experiences to me in return and perhaps now you can share bits of your life that perhaps you share with me in the comments section. And I feel zero regret for posting this on a design blog because honestly, you can't even begin to make your home an authentic expression of your taste and style if you are completely out of touch with yourself so emotionally, it's good to be in the right place even when it comes to decorating. Funny how that is.
Have a wonderful weekend dear friends.
(image: holly becker for decor8)